Cashier: That'll be $4.03
Me: I only have $4...
Cashier: That's ok, I have the three cents
Me: ...........
Cashier: ........
Me: what are we?

intosnarkness:

if you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember that one time i had to fly with my cello so we bought it a seat

and it got upgraded to first class

without me

(via smashedvodkabottles)

tany4:

'are you flirting with me or are you like this to everyone' a classic novel by me

(Source: theperksofbeingintrovert, via seanp0donnell)

I’m not trying to be a thirsty bitch but I was always told to embrace who I am and let me tell you I am a thirsty bitch

paradoxes-for-breakfast:

reasons why halloween is the best holiday:

  1. you are not obliged to visit your relatives
  2. you are not obliged to get gifts for anyone
  3. people will give you candy for absolutely no reason other than halloween
  4. its the only day when its socially acceptable to go out in public dressed like a penguin

(Source: caesarzeppeliofficial, via neckr)

teapayne:

Bob is like one of the most stereotypical names but how many bobs do you actually know

(via barebackinq)

imsoshive:

me: what’s for dinner?

her: *spreads her legs*

me: 

image

so, did you not cook or ….. cause popeyes closes at 10 and i need to leave now if i’m gon make it. 

(via gianyciswhore)

ostracizedpoodle:

“Truth or dare”
“Truth”
“What’s your credit card number”

(via seanp0donnell)